Self Check

I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have the two greatest friends on earth. They understand me, they support me and have no reservations telling me that I need a "self check." Although, we are thousands of miles away from each other, we communicate daily, either early morning or late at night. Not one day goes by without the three of us making certain the other is breathing. I really needed my friends today, I think I needed their unconditional hugs along with the unspoken contented silence. It's sort of hard to do the silence thing on the phone. I'm not perfect, nor do I make any claims to be! I pissed Roger off a tad today, not intentionally, not that I wanted to start anything, but out of my own concerns and defenses. Sometimes we don't know how to say what we really want or need and that can be the door opening for a "Fuck Up!" I first want to share with you what my besties told me. Keep in mind, one is male and the other is female.

"Let that shit go" ~ Eric (that sounds like something a man would say!)

"Friend, I understand your concern but with "love" you take your chances because there are no guarantees. Risks can be good. Is he worth the gamble?" My response was "Yes he is!" SHE continued to say..."Ok breathe, relax and trust your own instinct. Oh and enjoy your man!" ~ Erin

Why do I have concerns and why are my defenses up? Because I am human!!! Has Roger done anything to put reservations in my heart or mind? No. So what's my problem? I got SCARED!!! Why did I become scared? Because I allowed the "what if" forces to invade my existance which in turn trickled down to a not so nice conversation. When I visited Vegas, my intention was to have a nice long talk with Roger in private about what took place in our past so we could move forward. Just when I thought it was the right time to have the discussion, I realized that would be a "bass ackwards" (Thanks X-lady, I love that slogan) thing to do. The past was done and we can't go back there, the only thing that I can honestly focus on is the future and what it will bring. I can't second-guess or ASSume what will be done, I can only aim for the best. My words to him were quite simple later that evening yet carried much weight, I simply said to him "Don't Fuck Up!" he knew I was serious and I knew he was serious when he said "Don't Fuck Up!" I still don't think he understands sometimes. If this was a situation with an everyday average Joe, I know based upon my personal experience there would be no reservations. But......well.....we're in this situation with Roger. You know, the man I would have married in a heartbeat at 21 years old, 28 years old. Anywho, I decided to remove him from one of my major social networking sites. The same one I located him on. Not out of spite but based upon the words Roger said to me 2 months ago, "Facebook is for your buddies, not your Man!" Nor do I want the very thing that brought us back together be the avenue for our downfall.

So in closing, I have done my self-check of the day, week, month, etc. and have accepted the fact that life will continue to move forward and if you continue to harp on your past.....be careful because that's where he or she might leave you....in their past.

I Love you Roger and I apologize!

PSSST...